...My Treasures...
I have spent a lot of time thinking about the things I've lost in my life time and more than that the people that I have lost in some way or fashion and I have really allowed myself to throw one heck of a pity party! Today, I took a moment to think a little bit differently. I began to think about the relationships in my life that are permanent and have not only remained through the darkest times but I've watched the Lord grow and develop those relationships. It's been a while since i have wrote but I wanted to take some space and count my blessings...
This is no particular order but.. I will start with this lady right here. My whole life, i have been close with my grandma but over the past two years the friendship we have developed and grown has gone deeper and become so special to me. When i lost my Papa- her husband- over a year ago I didn't really know how to do life with just her. I had always known, Grandma AND Papa for 26 years. Not only that, over the past two years i went through a very difficult and dark season. To be a disappointment to people was something i was feeling for one of the first times and i never wanted to let her down. I remember going to my Grandmas ( scared to death) and sitting down and saying, " Grandma I need to tell you something." The fear in her eyes was something i had not seen before so i quickly got to the point. " Grandma...I'm getting a divorce (cue the tears)". I began to cry and apologize and cry more and apologize more. She cried (which is something she does not do) But i tell you what came out of her mouth. " Bethany, I hate this i really do but i hate it because i don't want you to have to go through it and i don't want you to hurt, but young lady you know this...we all make mistakes and we have been forgiven and nothing you do would ever make me love you any less or not be proud of you. I love you and I will always be here."
Over the next months i found myself going to my grandmas and pouring my heart out about everything. Mistakes I'd made, family frustrations, life frustrations...I told her everything and for a while she was the place in my darkest season that I saw and continually felt the Love of God i had denied myself of accepting. I firmly believe God never leaves you and for me there was a chain of events put into place but in the beginning of my darkest hour my Grandma was the exemplification and physical expression in my life of the unconditional Love and Grace of God. I remember telling her months ago, in tears, "Grandma...i would give a limb to have Papa back... i miss him and would never want to do life without him but for the first time I have a sort of peace with him passing. I didn't understand why now...why in the darkest season of my life...and i realized that he knew i needed this time with you. He fought a long battle but the truth is the blessing of coming here over these months and being able to pour my heart out and not pretend to be tough is what i needed. Papa knew it was your time and our time to grow something so much deeper than i ever imagined in my relationship with you."
All of this to say...my Grandma is a blessing. I pray to God he takes me before her because i CANT imagine life without her but will cherish everyday ahead i have. God is good.
My Mom...the most beautiful and strong lady i know...my grandmas daughter. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. My mom and I have always been close but we've seen a lot of dark times. We are so much a like and so different all at the same time. It's funny because my mom is not an overly emotional person but I can't remember a single time that she didn't hug me and kiss me before i have ever left her presence. I think about that and its the sweetness to her strength. She is a rock for anyone close to her and i get a lot of my compassion and desire to help others through their difficult times from her. My mom and I have seen some trials over the past 2 years and it's been very hard for them to walk through this season with me...BUT...one thing has been made true, my mom has been there. She has loved me even when she didnt agree or understand. She has fought with me through bad choices and good choices. She has offered words of encouragement even when i know it was hard for her to do. My mom has given sacrificially to her family my whole life. She is the person i call at 5am when im broken and crying. And she is unfortunately the person i call when i was still drunk the next morning from a night of poor choices and filling life gaps with all the wrong things. My mom is not easy and she tells me how it is. She has NEVER shyed away from the Gospel and the truth she believes and holds dear. I am 27 and absolutely not too old for a stern fussing at. My mom is the epitome of beauty and strength and I absolutely adore her. I am so thankful for being giving the blessing of her that when all else falls apart i know i can still count on. God is so good!
This guy...Willamena as i like to call him or bubba which i don't know if he even notices when i call him that. I will forever miss my Papa but i tell you what, this guy is such a part of him and reminds me so much of him I am so thankful. I was 8 years old when he was born and for the majority of his growing up he was just my little brother and because of age there wasn't a closeness. However...I can say now...i never knew the purpose he would have in my life but God has totally revealed that in the past 3 years. He is not a boy...but honestly i see him as a man. He is more of a man that a lot of other people i know. My not so little brother became my Mr. Waffle date at 10pm when i was alone and hurting. He became the person i called when someone made me so angry I could explode...I remember one time not too too long ago, i was venting to him about people that were hurting me with their words and actions and he looked at me and said " Bethany you need a little bit more of what the thing i have....the -I dont give a damn- disease...who cares about all those people. You do you. Your life is between you and God and you dont need to listen to all that other crap." Wisdom from the mouth of babes...I tell everyone that asks me...my little brother is amazing. He is such a good "kid" and i trust him with my life. I would call him for anything and he has been there. He is not overly or outwardly emotional but his heart is one of the strongest and most compassionate one's i have witnessed. I dreaded disappointing my little brother but i remember it like it was yesterday...I texted him one night and asked if he was in his shop and told him i needed to come talk to him.
I pulled up at the house and climbed up in his building at about 10pm and started talking about silly stuff. I was so nervous...I finally mustered it up and said "William i need to tell you something." (again cue the flood gates because there came my tears) "William...i am getting a divorce. I am so sorry I don't want to let you down and i don't want to disappoint you like everyone else but i want you to know that Ive made mistakes and i have felt abandonment and there is nothing in the world you could do that i would ever turn my back from you. I am so sorry"...I saw his heart break...not in disappointment but in love and hurt to see me like that. He quietly got up came over and put his arm around me and said " Bethany I just want you to be happy...whatever you have to do. I love you and I always will no matter what i will be here for you"... And he was. He helped me move when others would not...he invited me to the lake with his girlfriends family when he knew i was alone and at home. He loved me unconditionally. He showed me Jesus in one of the biggest ways possible. My little brother is truly a hero of mine and I am soooo thankful God blessed our family with him. God is so good!
I think one of the worst pains is disappointing the ones that are the closest to you. Your family. Disappointment cuts deeper than a physical pain to me. Over the past 2 years i have dealt hard with that. It's not been easy at all. This man right here is something else. To be honest over the years, he and i have not had the strongest bond. We fuss almost anytime we were around each other and have experienced some pretty intense blow ups. I've always loved my daddy and known he's loved me and admired his love for others but we just have struggled in the relationship part. Over the past 4 months or so i have watched the Lord begin to place pieces back together in my heart. I have truly felt the unconditional love of an earthly father. I remember coming home and visiting one weekend and i knew his disappointment would pour out. I knew he wouldn't want to look at me...BUT that was not the case. I remember that weekend and everyone since, getting out of the car and he walked up to me and hugged me tighter than feel he ever has (may have been my imagination) and said "Hey Darlin...i missed you and love you. Come home more often"...That moment was the beginning of something that carried more worth than gold to me. This picture is so special to me. My dad has known I have been struggling and called me up this past weekend and asked what i was doing for dinner. I said probably not eating...he immediately responded, well go ahead and get up and plan to meet me and your mom and the lake bowen fish camp for dinner and then just go ahead and come back to the house and spend the night and you can get up and go hunting with me in the morning." ... first off... Ive never been hunting period more less with my dad and ive havnt spend more than 2 hours with him and that was on one occasion in the past 15 years probably. I said, " daddy are you being serious about hunting?"...he immediately responded, " Yea come on...id love for you to go." So crazy enough, i got up, i met my parents at the fishcamp, i went back to Gaffney and slept in my old bedroom and i arosee at 5:30am and spent the whole morning with my dad in the woods. We didn't come out until about 11am. My dad is stubborn just like me but God is so good and the love and support and protection i have felt from him over the past months is nothing more than a blessing from God. I love my daddy and i know my daddy loves me. God is good!!!
Uncle Day-Day! Oh what to say...He absolutely without a shadow of a doubt drives me crazy a majority of the time...BUT I'd be lying to say he has not been one of my biggest supporters, encouragers, and spiritual mentors in my lifetime. I have grown up being very close with my uncle. Going to eat and on excursions almost every week of my life until i moved away. Vacations, random house visits, ministry and mission trips. The whole 9 yards. We butt heads and have had our share of fusses but we always just glide on past it. We have a lot in common (it's unfortunately true) and our personalities match too much. I can honestly say that I dreaded him knowing what i was going through over the past couple of years. I was scared to death and removed myself from being around him. In fact i couldn't even tell him i was getting a divorce. I got my grandma too. He immediately texted upon finding out and said " Hey grandma told me. I really want to go eat and hang out and i will not fuss or condemn or anything. I just genuinely want to spend time with you and have a good evening" ...i will never forget that because for me it was a light in a dark moment. My uncle never made me feel like i lost my faith and even now speaks hope and life into whats ahead for me. I much as he drives me crazy, i know he has impacted my faith greatly and is a part of the the person i am today...good and bad...sorry uncle day day but you have to take credit for it all. Thank you for being consistent in my life and reminding me that Salvation is not a works based gift and God's Grace is the greatest and His love is unconditional and this life is temporary. And thank you for walking a mile with me to ride this ride at the family kingdom last year! :-) God is Good!
This one will have to be continued because i am not done yet...I am thankful that when things are taken out of my life I can hold on to the one's i know will always be there. I am so thankful that I have these people. I have spent so much time thinking about the people lost and have totally forgotten about how abundantly blessed i am by the people consistently in my life. God is good all the time... when i am happy, sad, depressed, energized, afraid, faithless, faithful, hurting, confused, ashamed, let down, broken, untrusting, thankful and unthankfull...God is Good and I am blesesd...
Proverbs 11:25 " Those who bless others is abundantly blessed; those who help others are helped."
This is no particular order but.. I will start with this lady right here. My whole life, i have been close with my grandma but over the past two years the friendship we have developed and grown has gone deeper and become so special to me. When i lost my Papa- her husband- over a year ago I didn't really know how to do life with just her. I had always known, Grandma AND Papa for 26 years. Not only that, over the past two years i went through a very difficult and dark season. To be a disappointment to people was something i was feeling for one of the first times and i never wanted to let her down. I remember going to my Grandmas ( scared to death) and sitting down and saying, " Grandma I need to tell you something." The fear in her eyes was something i had not seen before so i quickly got to the point. " Grandma...I'm getting a divorce (cue the tears)". I began to cry and apologize and cry more and apologize more. She cried (which is something she does not do) But i tell you what came out of her mouth. " Bethany, I hate this i really do but i hate it because i don't want you to have to go through it and i don't want you to hurt, but young lady you know this...we all make mistakes and we have been forgiven and nothing you do would ever make me love you any less or not be proud of you. I love you and I will always be here."Over the next months i found myself going to my grandmas and pouring my heart out about everything. Mistakes I'd made, family frustrations, life frustrations...I told her everything and for a while she was the place in my darkest season that I saw and continually felt the Love of God i had denied myself of accepting. I firmly believe God never leaves you and for me there was a chain of events put into place but in the beginning of my darkest hour my Grandma was the exemplification and physical expression in my life of the unconditional Love and Grace of God. I remember telling her months ago, in tears, "Grandma...i would give a limb to have Papa back... i miss him and would never want to do life without him but for the first time I have a sort of peace with him passing. I didn't understand why now...why in the darkest season of my life...and i realized that he knew i needed this time with you. He fought a long battle but the truth is the blessing of coming here over these months and being able to pour my heart out and not pretend to be tough is what i needed. Papa knew it was your time and our time to grow something so much deeper than i ever imagined in my relationship with you."
All of this to say...my Grandma is a blessing. I pray to God he takes me before her because i CANT imagine life without her but will cherish everyday ahead i have. God is good.
This guy...Willamena as i like to call him or bubba which i don't know if he even notices when i call him that. I will forever miss my Papa but i tell you what, this guy is such a part of him and reminds me so much of him I am so thankful. I was 8 years old when he was born and for the majority of his growing up he was just my little brother and because of age there wasn't a closeness. However...I can say now...i never knew the purpose he would have in my life but God has totally revealed that in the past 3 years. He is not a boy...but honestly i see him as a man. He is more of a man that a lot of other people i know. My not so little brother became my Mr. Waffle date at 10pm when i was alone and hurting. He became the person i called when someone made me so angry I could explode...I remember one time not too too long ago, i was venting to him about people that were hurting me with their words and actions and he looked at me and said " Bethany you need a little bit more of what the thing i have....the -I dont give a damn- disease...who cares about all those people. You do you. Your life is between you and God and you dont need to listen to all that other crap." Wisdom from the mouth of babes...I tell everyone that asks me...my little brother is amazing. He is such a good "kid" and i trust him with my life. I would call him for anything and he has been there. He is not overly or outwardly emotional but his heart is one of the strongest and most compassionate one's i have witnessed. I dreaded disappointing my little brother but i remember it like it was yesterday...I texted him one night and asked if he was in his shop and told him i needed to come talk to him.I pulled up at the house and climbed up in his building at about 10pm and started talking about silly stuff. I was so nervous...I finally mustered it up and said "William i need to tell you something." (again cue the flood gates because there came my tears) "William...i am getting a divorce. I am so sorry I don't want to let you down and i don't want to disappoint you like everyone else but i want you to know that Ive made mistakes and i have felt abandonment and there is nothing in the world you could do that i would ever turn my back from you. I am so sorry"...I saw his heart break...not in disappointment but in love and hurt to see me like that. He quietly got up came over and put his arm around me and said " Bethany I just want you to be happy...whatever you have to do. I love you and I always will no matter what i will be here for you"... And he was. He helped me move when others would not...he invited me to the lake with his girlfriends family when he knew i was alone and at home. He loved me unconditionally. He showed me Jesus in one of the biggest ways possible. My little brother is truly a hero of mine and I am soooo thankful God blessed our family with him. God is so good!
Uncle Day-Day! Oh what to say...He absolutely without a shadow of a doubt drives me crazy a majority of the time...BUT I'd be lying to say he has not been one of my biggest supporters, encouragers, and spiritual mentors in my lifetime. I have grown up being very close with my uncle. Going to eat and on excursions almost every week of my life until i moved away. Vacations, random house visits, ministry and mission trips. The whole 9 yards. We butt heads and have had our share of fusses but we always just glide on past it. We have a lot in common (it's unfortunately true) and our personalities match too much. I can honestly say that I dreaded him knowing what i was going through over the past couple of years. I was scared to death and removed myself from being around him. In fact i couldn't even tell him i was getting a divorce. I got my grandma too. He immediately texted upon finding out and said " Hey grandma told me. I really want to go eat and hang out and i will not fuss or condemn or anything. I just genuinely want to spend time with you and have a good evening" ...i will never forget that because for me it was a light in a dark moment. My uncle never made me feel like i lost my faith and even now speaks hope and life into whats ahead for me. I much as he drives me crazy, i know he has impacted my faith greatly and is a part of the the person i am today...good and bad...sorry uncle day day but you have to take credit for it all. Thank you for being consistent in my life and reminding me that Salvation is not a works based gift and God's Grace is the greatest and His love is unconditional and this life is temporary. And thank you for walking a mile with me to ride this ride at the family kingdom last year! :-) God is Good!
This one will have to be continued because i am not done yet...I am thankful that when things are taken out of my life I can hold on to the one's i know will always be there. I am so thankful that I have these people. I have spent so much time thinking about the people lost and have totally forgotten about how abundantly blessed i am by the people consistently in my life. God is good all the time... when i am happy, sad, depressed, energized, afraid, faithless, faithful, hurting, confused, ashamed, let down, broken, untrusting, thankful and unthankfull...God is Good and I am blesesd...
Proverbs 11:25 " Those who bless others is abundantly blessed; those who help others are helped."
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