"Should" is no good...

It's 1am and I am wide awake...so annoying! I would love to be sleeping right now and have found myself laying down and within 30 minutes getting back up and coming into the living to watch some TV. Back and forth back and forth. This time i grabbed my Bible and journal. I started to write in my journal and within the first few sentences i found myself pondering what i wrote. I told the Lord i was sorry I hadnt spent the time with him like i should ... SHOULD...that's where i stopped. I've been pondering for a couple of months now what it means to have a genuine REAL relationship with the Lord and not one built upon motion of routine of religion. You study for a test because you want to do good and you know you have to...i don't want my walk with the Lord to be like that. I KNOW i need the Lord in order to live the fullest life BUT I believe it can be so much more than that. Like any other relationship...you sacrifice for that person, you take time to spend with them, you show affection to them, you get to know them...All of this not because you know you have to in order to have the relationship BUT because there is an element of desire that without doing those things you're empty or lost. That is what i want with Him. I want to not tell Him I'm sorry for not spending time with Him like i "should". It's so much more than that. It's  not a should thing anymore for me. It's a need of relationship and deepening of that because when I am away from Him...i am missing something. I am alone. I am not my full self. "Should" we spend time with Him? of course...but we should spend time with Him NOT because it's required to enter those gates in Heaven...but because spending time and investing in a relationship is something you should do because you believe that that relationship brings better life to you.  It's important to who you are and where you are going. You are in a love that forces action.

I know this is random but again... It's now 1:30am and it's where my mind has wondered. I laid in bed as frustrated as i was and chose to react a little differently than normal. See I've been struggling with sleep for a while now and i use to really get upset and worn down over it. I'd turn and sit and stare at the dark for hours sometimes all night into the early morning and I would be so angry and mad and cry and cry because i was just so worn down and out. I was exhausted. Tonight was different. Someone told me a little while back that sometimes we miss out because we feel like we can not accept the moments in life that are not high and happy. But that's not realistic. It's okay to miss some sleep. It's okay to have a bad day. It's okay to be sad or just kind of frozen...as long as we take the time to embrace those moments as they are. All those seasons and emotions make up a life. They make us stronger, wiser, more patient and kind, and more loving. All of that to wrap back around to me laying in bed after trying to go to sleep for hours and instead of getting mad, i stopped and took some time to talk to God. I thanked Him for a lot of things He has done in my life.

My greatest fear is that people will be annoyed by my Jesus or my Faith. That i will be made fun of or looked at as a bigot or judgmental...It's taken some time but I'm finally at a place where i realize, Yea some people will think that...BUT anyone that actually takes the time to get to know me will know...I love Jesus and follow him and believe in Him because i NEED Him. I am lost without Him and i am no good without Him. It's been Him that has and does meet me in my DARKEST and toughest of moments. It's been Him that has showed me what true unconditional love looks like. It is Him that has shown me the ultimate demonstration of forgiveness...Jesus in me doesnt make me better than ANYONE. Doesn't put me on a pedestal of any kind. If anything it forces me to be aware open and honest of the person i really am that struggles like anyone and has messed up in big ways and is probably not done yet. It forces me to the reality that i NEED the cross and i NEED redemption and Grace because even if i were to do everything right from this point forward i can never take back the wrong I've already done in the past.

God is good to me...even when I am not to Him and I am able to love because He loves me. And let me tell you when you feel the Love of God...you will immediately understand that need and desire i talk about.

Well this sure turned into a verbal vomit...and unfortunately I still wide awake...

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