From Death to Life: 2017-2018
Piece by Piece it all falls together. Piece by piece i become more comfortable and secure in laying them down, eagerly anticipating the whole picture. Few puzzles make sense until they are complete. You start to work on it and very rarely do you not have massive gaps lacking to connect one side to the other. It's kind of like life. We take one season at a time a to me it seems those seasons don't seem to make sense until i am on to the next and sometimes it's multiple seasons later before there is clarity.
One thing is very obvious to me. I HATE PUTTING TOGETHER PUZZLES. i get frustrated and overwhelmed and lack all sense of patience. It stresses me out to think about putting a puzzle together if im really being honest. The same with life. I want everything to make sense. I want to put ALL the pieces together and have the final product in front of me. I want to know. And the process frustrates the crap out of me. But I am learning that the process is important. It's where attributes like grace and love fill the gaps. It's the quite moments where we are strengthened in our dependency on God. Because face it...we just cant find that one piece. It will take a miracle of provision for it to show up because it seems like its that one piece they left out of the puzzle box.
I sat there thinking about all God has done in my life. My imperfect life is nothing short of an act of God. I am not worthy of anything. i have messed up, i have let people down, i have disgraced the cross in so many ways. I have doubted and i have ran. I sat there today thinking about this past year of 2017. If i am being completely honest you may be surprised. When i think of this past year i think of the times i stared at the gun i own for protection and weeped myself into full blown anxiety attacks holding it fighting back and forth over if i even had a purpose. I was tormented by mistakes i had made and the lies of the enemy and others that I was lost and too messed up for God's grace. I went through a period of 3 or 4 months where every single day i cried. I would wake up crying, i would drive down the road crying, i would go to sleep crying. I would call my mom at 4am crying and telling her i couldnt do it anymore. I was shutting down and shutting out. I could hardly hear the Holy Spirits whisper in my heart and soul during this time...and i could never truly make out the words...BUT every day and every night It met me. It took my hand off the gun. It got me up and moving towards change and it eventually through persistence helped me understand and believe that God was there. God had never walked away. He loved me just as i was and he caught every tear and heard every cry.
I tell you i went through months where i was not sleeping hardly at all. On a weekly avg maybe 2 hours a night. I was so frustrated and exhausted. My anxiety was the worst it has ever been. I would wake up the few times i would sleep to nite terrors and fear. Immediately tears pouring down my face and gasping just to catch my breath. I can remember the night I couldn't calm down and i just wanted to sleep...i grabbed my Bible and literally cuddled it like a teddy bear. I held it all night. I wanted to just feel the arms of Jesus around me and that was where my faith took me.
Today i sat in church and i hurt for the guy that lost his life. I began to think about the horrors of depression and anxiety and the things we have to carry. I thought about me at my weakest moment and how honestly only two people in my life truly knew the extent of struggle i was dealing with. I also thought about how i can say the ONLY reason i sat in that church today and woke up this morning breathing was because of the love and grace of Jesus Christ. Because the day He volunteered His life on that cross He saw those moments and bore them on himself. I can't credit anything to my life but Him. Nor would i want to. When i think about the fact that i have the creator of the universe, the miracle worker, the healer of all things, the one to bring life out of death, when i think about having Him by my side, I know there is a reason and purpose in my life. It doesn't matter how bad i messed up. Or how broken i become and became. All that matters was that the God of this universe offered me a free gift of love and life and with that i have hope.
I am not the strongest i have ever been. I struggle and i fight but Im growing and im moving. Im taking the things that pulled me down and i am releasing them one by one. I am owning my mistakes but also owning the blessings i have ahead of me.
Suicide is real...depression is real...ptsd is real...anxiety is real,,,loneliness is real...You may not get it or understand. You may think everyone around you is just happy as a june bug...I guarantee you, if you took the time to step in a little closer, be real and remove the limelight from yourself and invest in the life of someone else...you might just begin to understand just how dark there journey is. You may also be able to help them find that missing piece of the puzzle they are starting to give up on.
This is the tip of the ice berg. My goal is to write more and be very transparent about Me, My life, My future, My Faith. Im 27, engaged twice, divorced once, currently dating an amazing guy that has walked with me through some tough times and me with him and someone I have seen God do a lot in. Im re- rooted in the big city of G-vegas and work in corporate America. I have almost NO contact with the "church family" that i was involved in for over 11 years, I took a job in sales for corporate America in an industry i had no background in and im still clinging tight to my gym passions.
One thing is very obvious to me. I HATE PUTTING TOGETHER PUZZLES. i get frustrated and overwhelmed and lack all sense of patience. It stresses me out to think about putting a puzzle together if im really being honest. The same with life. I want everything to make sense. I want to put ALL the pieces together and have the final product in front of me. I want to know. And the process frustrates the crap out of me. But I am learning that the process is important. It's where attributes like grace and love fill the gaps. It's the quite moments where we are strengthened in our dependency on God. Because face it...we just cant find that one piece. It will take a miracle of provision for it to show up because it seems like its that one piece they left out of the puzzle box.
My life puzzle is definitely growing. I doubted the colors of the pieces being placed in it over this past year. I doubted at times that there were any pieces at all even left for the puzzle. That brings me to what has been heavy on my heart today. My boyfriend woke up this morning to the new of the loss of a fellow military brother by suicide. No one in his life seemed to have warning or expectation of anything going on or him struggling. A lot of people questioning and hurt and wishing they could have done something. I don't know if that is what stirred my soul so much this morning but i sat in church thinking, praying, and thinking.
I sat there thinking about all God has done in my life. My imperfect life is nothing short of an act of God. I am not worthy of anything. i have messed up, i have let people down, i have disgraced the cross in so many ways. I have doubted and i have ran. I sat there today thinking about this past year of 2017. If i am being completely honest you may be surprised. When i think of this past year i think of the times i stared at the gun i own for protection and weeped myself into full blown anxiety attacks holding it fighting back and forth over if i even had a purpose. I was tormented by mistakes i had made and the lies of the enemy and others that I was lost and too messed up for God's grace. I went through a period of 3 or 4 months where every single day i cried. I would wake up crying, i would drive down the road crying, i would go to sleep crying. I would call my mom at 4am crying and telling her i couldnt do it anymore. I was shutting down and shutting out. I could hardly hear the Holy Spirits whisper in my heart and soul during this time...and i could never truly make out the words...BUT every day and every night It met me. It took my hand off the gun. It got me up and moving towards change and it eventually through persistence helped me understand and believe that God was there. God had never walked away. He loved me just as i was and he caught every tear and heard every cry.
I tell you i went through months where i was not sleeping hardly at all. On a weekly avg maybe 2 hours a night. I was so frustrated and exhausted. My anxiety was the worst it has ever been. I would wake up the few times i would sleep to nite terrors and fear. Immediately tears pouring down my face and gasping just to catch my breath. I can remember the night I couldn't calm down and i just wanted to sleep...i grabbed my Bible and literally cuddled it like a teddy bear. I held it all night. I wanted to just feel the arms of Jesus around me and that was where my faith took me. 
Today i sat in church and i hurt for the guy that lost his life. I began to think about the horrors of depression and anxiety and the things we have to carry. I thought about me at my weakest moment and how honestly only two people in my life truly knew the extent of struggle i was dealing with. I also thought about how i can say the ONLY reason i sat in that church today and woke up this morning breathing was because of the love and grace of Jesus Christ. Because the day He volunteered His life on that cross He saw those moments and bore them on himself. I can't credit anything to my life but Him. Nor would i want to. When i think about the fact that i have the creator of the universe, the miracle worker, the healer of all things, the one to bring life out of death, when i think about having Him by my side, I know there is a reason and purpose in my life. It doesn't matter how bad i messed up. Or how broken i become and became. All that matters was that the God of this universe offered me a free gift of love and life and with that i have hope. 
I am not the strongest i have ever been. I struggle and i fight but Im growing and im moving. Im taking the things that pulled me down and i am releasing them one by one. I am owning my mistakes but also owning the blessings i have ahead of me.
Suicide is real...depression is real...ptsd is real...anxiety is real,,,loneliness is real...You may not get it or understand. You may think everyone around you is just happy as a june bug...I guarantee you, if you took the time to step in a little closer, be real and remove the limelight from yourself and invest in the life of someone else...you might just begin to understand just how dark there journey is. You may also be able to help them find that missing piece of the puzzle they are starting to give up on.
This is the tip of the ice berg. My goal is to write more and be very transparent about Me, My life, My future, My Faith. Im 27, engaged twice, divorced once, currently dating an amazing guy that has walked with me through some tough times and me with him and someone I have seen God do a lot in. Im re- rooted in the big city of G-vegas and work in corporate America. I have almost NO contact with the "church family" that i was involved in for over 11 years, I took a job in sales for corporate America in an industry i had no background in and im still clinging tight to my gym passions.
Hang in there and come back for me because i have a LOT to let out... :-)
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