And the story begins...
It's so funny...during the day i have this burst of creative voice where i just want to go tuck away somewhere and write, however i have a job and my days can't be spent writing so i tell myself, "oh i will definitely sit down tonight and write". And then what do i do that night? Anything other than right. It's almost like i have trained my brain to tell me it's not suppose to function at night. I have started many a thoughts on here and saved them or even deleted them. I am at a place right now where i really just want to put it out there. Maybe no one reads it...,maybe it doesn't make sense...maybe it's boring or ridiculous...whatever it is...it IS. So this is my IS tonight...
I have been thinking a lot lately about all the change that has occurred in my life over the past 3 years. Good bad and ugly, it's been a season of changes. And honestly i feel like if i don't start writing about it now and capturing it, so much of who God has been in my life will not be seen. I want to be transparent. I want to share my story and my walk...but i don't want to just vomit it all out at once. I really want to step back and look at the moments in my life and who i was and where i was. I want to literally peel back a layer of my flesh to uncover the deeper more fragile places of my heart.
I am soooo human. I have disappointed so many people in my almost 28 years. I have failed at being a friend,a daughter, a first time married wife, a girlfriend, and i am sure i will fail in my marriage. I don't say all this to bash myself but to reveal the truth that i KNOW my weaknesses and failures. I know my own depravity and it is deep and dark and dangerous. But because of those moments and screw ups, i also know the unavoidable unrelentless grace of God. I know from personal experience, what it is like to shout out in an empty house, "Maybe You're not real. Maybe you are just a belief pushed on me by my parents. I'm tired of giving and giving and for what? I want what I want for once. I want to experience life!" I know what it's like to mess up and be so ashamed that hiding from the God i denounced was the only thing that made sense. I know what it's like to go to sleep not know unconditional love and grace and to wake up and realize what i had been trying to earn my whole life and had epically seemed to "throw away" had actually not gone anywhere. That love and grace and freedom and forgiveness and the cross didn't just exist when i was leading in the church and going on mission trips every season of the year and mentoring and being a good wife. That love and grace and freedom and forgiveness and cross ALSO existed when i was too hurt by the people inside the doors of the church and ashamed of my own choices and watching the people i discipled and mentored slowly but surely close doors on me and question my salvation all together and especially when i was relinquishing my wife role and walking away from my marriage. You see over the past 3 years I have hit the lowest valleys thus far in my lifetime, HOWEVER, i also can stand up without a shadow of a doubt and say that my life belongs to the King of the universe. That I am not just loved but absolutely treasured by the God of the world and that it is only by God's grace and restoration that I am even here.
I guess what this has turned into is me fighting the voice in my head that says "people are going to think you think you are better than everyone if you talk about Jesus or what he has done in your life or even worse than that they are going to say well she's a hypocrite, i heard her cuss the other day"... I just actually laughed at that thought that runs through my head so often. I for one am my worst critic. I beat myself up daily for all the wrong in my life. I am no better than anyone and if caught at the right moment in the right lighting i am as terrible as anyone else out there. BUT like i said before...I have come to know over the past 3 years that worst time in my life was when i forced God to take a sit in the back and decided to drive my own car called life. God is so so so good. God is a God of miracles and blessing. It doesn't mean life is easy but it means that when I give my life and ALL of my life over to Him, no matter what is happening , good or bad, God gets the final call. There is a song that says it the best way i know...
I have been thinking a lot lately about all the change that has occurred in my life over the past 3 years. Good bad and ugly, it's been a season of changes. And honestly i feel like if i don't start writing about it now and capturing it, so much of who God has been in my life will not be seen. I want to be transparent. I want to share my story and my walk...but i don't want to just vomit it all out at once. I really want to step back and look at the moments in my life and who i was and where i was. I want to literally peel back a layer of my flesh to uncover the deeper more fragile places of my heart.
I am soooo human. I have disappointed so many people in my almost 28 years. I have failed at being a friend,a daughter, a first time married wife, a girlfriend, and i am sure i will fail in my marriage. I don't say all this to bash myself but to reveal the truth that i KNOW my weaknesses and failures. I know my own depravity and it is deep and dark and dangerous. But because of those moments and screw ups, i also know the unavoidable unrelentless grace of God. I know from personal experience, what it is like to shout out in an empty house, "Maybe You're not real. Maybe you are just a belief pushed on me by my parents. I'm tired of giving and giving and for what? I want what I want for once. I want to experience life!" I know what it's like to mess up and be so ashamed that hiding from the God i denounced was the only thing that made sense. I know what it's like to go to sleep not know unconditional love and grace and to wake up and realize what i had been trying to earn my whole life and had epically seemed to "throw away" had actually not gone anywhere. That love and grace and freedom and forgiveness and the cross didn't just exist when i was leading in the church and going on mission trips every season of the year and mentoring and being a good wife. That love and grace and freedom and forgiveness and cross ALSO existed when i was too hurt by the people inside the doors of the church and ashamed of my own choices and watching the people i discipled and mentored slowly but surely close doors on me and question my salvation all together and especially when i was relinquishing my wife role and walking away from my marriage. You see over the past 3 years I have hit the lowest valleys thus far in my lifetime, HOWEVER, i also can stand up without a shadow of a doubt and say that my life belongs to the King of the universe. That I am not just loved but absolutely treasured by the God of the world and that it is only by God's grace and restoration that I am even here.
I guess what this has turned into is me fighting the voice in my head that says "people are going to think you think you are better than everyone if you talk about Jesus or what he has done in your life or even worse than that they are going to say well she's a hypocrite, i heard her cuss the other day"... I just actually laughed at that thought that runs through my head so often. I for one am my worst critic. I beat myself up daily for all the wrong in my life. I am no better than anyone and if caught at the right moment in the right lighting i am as terrible as anyone else out there. BUT like i said before...I have come to know over the past 3 years that worst time in my life was when i forced God to take a sit in the back and decided to drive my own car called life. God is so so so good. God is a God of miracles and blessing. It doesn't mean life is easy but it means that when I give my life and ALL of my life over to Him, no matter what is happening , good or bad, God gets the final call. There is a song that says it the best way i know...
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine
I couldn't earn it, and I don't deserve it, still, You give Yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God, yeah
Oh, it chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine
I couldn't earn it, and I don't deserve it, still, You give Yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God, yeah
When I was Your foe, still Your love fought for me
You have been so, so good to me
When I felt no worth, You paid it all for me
You have been so, so kind to me
You have been so, so good to me
When I felt no worth, You paid it all for me
You have been so, so kind to me
Let that sink in because it's real. It is my story. And day in and day out i find myself emotionally overwhelmed by the goodness and grace of Jesus.I can't tell you how many areas of life i have watched God reshape and heal. Like i said, i feel called to write. I love to write...it's my passion and my heart but i set it to the side. I am going to strive really hard to not do that anymore. I want to share my heart. I want the accountability of claiming the name Jesus and people truly seeing that shine out of my life. I want to love others like i never have before and in doing that i want to come to even more deeply begin to understand the love my Heavenly Father has for me.
So for now im signing out, but there will be more verbal vomit ahead...
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