#PeaceComesFromTrust
I am overwhelmed by the fact that I serve a God who is faithful. A God who is in control. A God who walks every step of every day with me.
It's funny because i have been on this journey for a long time of trying to figure out what formula it takes for me to truly experience peace in my life. I have always been a worrier ever since i was a very small kid. I worried about everything and feared everything. When there was any type of disruption in my life, it always registered a sudden sense of calamity. If i heard my parents talking about money i cried myself to sleep over being "poor" and eventually being homeless...(Which of course was never the case) ... If i heard my parents fuss or have a disagreement (as we know all married couples do) i immediately thought they were getting a divorce. When someone would pick on me I would immediately buy into being a loser and not worth anything. When I'd make a bad grade i would worry about failing. Those times growing up my worries and fears were amplified i suppose just out of my wired internal makeup. However, then i grew up.
A week before i turned 19, i was awaken at 4am to a phone call that my best friend had been tragically killed in a car accident. So of course that triggered more of my worries. Not just the fear of losing people, but the fear of the pain and life change that comes from going through something like that. Following that, i got into a relationship that seemed very perfect on the outside but was in reality full of sexual abuse and manipulation. I walked away from that but lived daily in worries and fears of what others thought of me and what I "allowed" myself to stay in. Then I began to date a guy who i would go on to marry only to end that one in divorce. So basically, i went from expecting the worst outcomes through worrying growing up to realizing that there are things that do happen in our lives that are painful, excruciatingly painful, and totally out of our control and some caused by our own mistakes and actions. So then there were concrete reasons for my fears and worries.
I sit here tonight like every other person in this world with worries and fears and anxieties...but something is different. Very different. I opened my Bible last night (unfortunately for the first time all week) to pick up reading in John where i left off and I only got 4 verses in when my heart was rattled by a truth. I am NO theologian and i did not seek out a commentary for this but i do believe i heard the whisper of the holy spirit speaking to me...
John 18:4 says "Then Jesus knowing everything that was about to happen to Him, went out and said to them, 'who is it you're looking for'"...
This encounter was when Jesus was in the garden with his disciples right before his crucifixion and he was being approached by Judas the disciple that betrayed him and Roman guards. I immediately thought "wow...i can not imagine the stress Jesus was enduring because he knew everything. He knew he was going to be beaten and mocked and nailed to a cross. He knew he wasn't just going to die but he was going to die an innocent man for a whole lot of people that in that moment hated and despised him for absolutely NO reason. That's where my mind first went but within seconds (cue the Holy Spirit) I realized something different. Of course He knew those things...so knowing those terrible things, what possibly would motivate Jesus to so graciously step into that moment of pain and death?
I believe that in that moment when John states "Jesus knowing everything" we are given the greatest example of hope and peace. I believe that in that moment when Jesus played through the events of His future, the resurrection and victory that He knew was going to take place as well as the reunion with His heavenly father and the access and grace He would provide to the whole world that will accept him actually replaced any fear and anxiety towards the physical pain and torture that laid ahead of him, with hope and peace.
I know this is alot but hang with me. Jesus was able to endure the CROSS because he had hope in the promises of His Father. He knew that victory was guaranteed. It didn't mean he didn't have to suffer and even die...it meant that the hope and victory that is offered through Jesus makes suffering necessary not damning. I heard a quote the other day and it said that a lot of times we beg God to move the mountains, however the reality is God will instead is for us to climb.
Tonight i sit. and though i do have some worries and fears right now. I can honestly say that in this moment it's okay. These things that hurt and pull at me, instead of fighting God on 'Why me' Why this' i find myself focusing on the victory in the end. I am promised that the Lord has His hand on my life. There is absolutely NOTHING that anyone can do to me that will remove God's plan and purpose or hand on my life. Doesn't mean that i wont experience pain...just means that I am 110% certain that the pain is just temporary and it is NOT the end of the story. It may be a vital piece but the end is God using my life and me to fulfill the purpose He placed me here for.
This is a jumble of a thought but it's truth in my heart. God is good. So good...God is Real and God is Present and He is the ONLY thing about me that is of any worth...
#PeaceComesFromTrust
It's funny because i have been on this journey for a long time of trying to figure out what formula it takes for me to truly experience peace in my life. I have always been a worrier ever since i was a very small kid. I worried about everything and feared everything. When there was any type of disruption in my life, it always registered a sudden sense of calamity. If i heard my parents talking about money i cried myself to sleep over being "poor" and eventually being homeless...(Which of course was never the case) ... If i heard my parents fuss or have a disagreement (as we know all married couples do) i immediately thought they were getting a divorce. When someone would pick on me I would immediately buy into being a loser and not worth anything. When I'd make a bad grade i would worry about failing. Those times growing up my worries and fears were amplified i suppose just out of my wired internal makeup. However, then i grew up.
A week before i turned 19, i was awaken at 4am to a phone call that my best friend had been tragically killed in a car accident. So of course that triggered more of my worries. Not just the fear of losing people, but the fear of the pain and life change that comes from going through something like that. Following that, i got into a relationship that seemed very perfect on the outside but was in reality full of sexual abuse and manipulation. I walked away from that but lived daily in worries and fears of what others thought of me and what I "allowed" myself to stay in. Then I began to date a guy who i would go on to marry only to end that one in divorce. So basically, i went from expecting the worst outcomes through worrying growing up to realizing that there are things that do happen in our lives that are painful, excruciatingly painful, and totally out of our control and some caused by our own mistakes and actions. So then there were concrete reasons for my fears and worries.
I sit here tonight like every other person in this world with worries and fears and anxieties...but something is different. Very different. I opened my Bible last night (unfortunately for the first time all week) to pick up reading in John where i left off and I only got 4 verses in when my heart was rattled by a truth. I am NO theologian and i did not seek out a commentary for this but i do believe i heard the whisper of the holy spirit speaking to me...
John 18:4 says "Then Jesus knowing everything that was about to happen to Him, went out and said to them, 'who is it you're looking for'"...
This encounter was when Jesus was in the garden with his disciples right before his crucifixion and he was being approached by Judas the disciple that betrayed him and Roman guards. I immediately thought "wow...i can not imagine the stress Jesus was enduring because he knew everything. He knew he was going to be beaten and mocked and nailed to a cross. He knew he wasn't just going to die but he was going to die an innocent man for a whole lot of people that in that moment hated and despised him for absolutely NO reason. That's where my mind first went but within seconds (cue the Holy Spirit) I realized something different. Of course He knew those things...so knowing those terrible things, what possibly would motivate Jesus to so graciously step into that moment of pain and death?
I believe that in that moment when John states "Jesus knowing everything" we are given the greatest example of hope and peace. I believe that in that moment when Jesus played through the events of His future, the resurrection and victory that He knew was going to take place as well as the reunion with His heavenly father and the access and grace He would provide to the whole world that will accept him actually replaced any fear and anxiety towards the physical pain and torture that laid ahead of him, with hope and peace.
I know this is alot but hang with me. Jesus was able to endure the CROSS because he had hope in the promises of His Father. He knew that victory was guaranteed. It didn't mean he didn't have to suffer and even die...it meant that the hope and victory that is offered through Jesus makes suffering necessary not damning. I heard a quote the other day and it said that a lot of times we beg God to move the mountains, however the reality is God will instead is for us to climb.
Tonight i sit. and though i do have some worries and fears right now. I can honestly say that in this moment it's okay. These things that hurt and pull at me, instead of fighting God on 'Why me' Why this' i find myself focusing on the victory in the end. I am promised that the Lord has His hand on my life. There is absolutely NOTHING that anyone can do to me that will remove God's plan and purpose or hand on my life. Doesn't mean that i wont experience pain...just means that I am 110% certain that the pain is just temporary and it is NOT the end of the story. It may be a vital piece but the end is God using my life and me to fulfill the purpose He placed me here for.
This is a jumble of a thought but it's truth in my heart. God is good. So good...God is Real and God is Present and He is the ONLY thing about me that is of any worth...
#PeaceComesFromTrust
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