...*Laying in the Green*...
Have you ever heard the saying, "No one can MAKE you do anything"...even just typing it I can hear my moms voice lecturing me with that wise word. I would agree with this statement with one exception...God. No, this is not a debate or opinion on free-will and predestination so lets not even get on that train...This is about one very very well known verse from one of the most popular passages in the Bible. A passage I have had memorized since my young elementary Christian school days. A passage I have whispered to myself over and over and over again during many different seasons of my life. This verse though...to think that ALL these years, it's snuck right by me.
I have to be honest and say that I can not take credit for this epiphany but rather take this moment to say how thankful I am for our church and pastor. Our Pastor preached on this a couple of weeks ago and it truly pierced my soul. I just sat there in awe of how I missed this truth for so long and how REAL this truth had so recently been in my life. Okay-okay...have you had enough of the suspense yet? Are you ready for it?
Psalm 23...that is the passage this verse I am speaking of comes from. The passage is referencing various things but primarily David is comparing the Lord to a Shepherd...not just a Shepherd, but THE SHEPHERD...and not just THE Shepherd but "my" or "his" Shepherd. David himself was many things...a King, a Warrior, an Adulterer ( sorry had to go there because a lot of times we forget that God can use the most broken part of us) and also, he was a shepherd. So this was a comparison he knew well. Shepherds are quite foreign job titles around my neck of the woods. I know in general what a shepherd does but it's not something I can personally relate too. Which is why I have missed so much from this passage all these years. So let me speed this up some... Shepherds cared for flocks of sheep. It was their responsibility to make sure EVERY single sheep was accounted for and protected from sun up to sun down. It was their responsibility to make sure they were fed and remained together. Undoubtedly, sheep are not known for their intelligence, making it top priority for the Shepherd to keep the sheep from wondering off due to animal ignorance. So there is this idea that back in the day, the shepherd would sometimes break a back leg of the sheep, crippling it only to carry, tend to, and nurse the sheep back to health in hopes that it learns to stay close and depend on the Shepherd and not wonder into danger.
So with that notion...I will lead into the scripture verse... Psalm 23:2..."He makes me lie down in green pastures..."
That verse...one I know so well has had little meaning to me until that day in church. It made sense. It doesn't say, he allows me to lie down in green pastures or he asks me to or he wants me too...it says he MAKES me. Which would make me think why in the world do we need to be made to lie down in a green pasture. I mean that represents peace and rest and flourishment...last time I checked you usually don't have to force people towards pleasure. Understanding the history of the shepherd and the sheep brought so much more clarity behind this.
I realized in church that day that I was that sheep and I was currently in my green pasture. It is so easy for us to get so caught up in the stresses of this world and life. It is so easy for us to take on so many things for so many different reasons. There are the natural stresses that we can't avoid and then if you are like me, you tend to carry the burdens of those you love as well. I am a fixer...sometime so much it becomes consuming for me. A little over 3 months ago I had to be forced to lie down in my "green pasture". However, it wasn't very green from the outside looking in. Just like that sheep who have a broken leg. Yea, they may be laying in a green pasture but HELLO...there leg is broken so who cares what color the pasture is. Well, that was me. Months prior and especially weeks prior to May 24th I had been overwhelmingly consumed with various situations in my life. I was fighting with everything I had to hang on and stay above water. I was exhausted, worried, uncertain...i was running on a hamster wheel...going going going...nowhere. I believe with all my heart that on May 24th, the Lord intervened and MADE me lie down in green pastures. Now let me tell you, i was quite color blind at first because i definitely did not see green. I saw a lot of black...darkness, hurt, anger, fear. On May 24th i experienced the most traumatic and life changing moment i have ever experienced. I delivered my son through an emergency C-section. I will save that story for another day but in a nut shell, i delivered David Gideon Cooper 6 weeks early. I had to be put to sleep and it all happened so fast due to complications. I woke up in a recovery room and waited 12 hours to hold my son for 7mins. I then spent the next 3 weeks in a NICU room watching my son in an incubator, on a good day getting to hold him for an hour or two max.
The emotions i felt were hard and raw. I was angry, hurt, overwhelmed, scared to death, empty, broken, exhausted, and helpless. I was depressed and anxious. These are raw feelings that if i am being totally honest, i still deal with. However, I do know deep down that though what happened and what my baby went through was not by the looks a "green pasture" it truly has become one. As i sat in church the Lord revealed to my heart that as hard as it was...it was the first time in MONTHS that i had literally shut out every single circumstance out of my control that i had been battling for so long. It was the first time i did not have anything to focus on or worry about except that little boy. And even that was out of my control...all i could really do was be present in the nicu. I sat everyday for 3 weeks in a nicu room for 12-14 hours a day watching my baby sleep in his little "castle" as i called it counting down the hours to when i got to hold his little body to mine for just a little bit. That's all i cared about or was concerned with. Looking back, those days were long and emotional and hard...but there was such peace to them. Peace that i got to spend uninterrupted moments sitting with nothing on my mind but the love for that boy. I didn't even have the opportunity to feel like i had to figure out how to "fix" it because it was far out of my realm of expertise. Heck, i wasn't half prepared for motherhood, more less welcoming it this way. I know that had my birth story been different and a pleasant experience then yea i would have still been madly and fiercely in love with him and focused on him, BUT i would have still been concerned with the other "battles" and unknowns swarming around me. The Lord knew i needed to be slowed down. He knew i NEEDED to understand what a "green pasture" really means. And He gave me just that.
Let me tell you...we are still not out of the trenches. Our little man is still overcoming various obstacles...but i can honestly say i have NEVER laid in a greener pasture.
Sometimes, we go through things that are hard and hurt. Things that don't make sense. But what i have come to learn is that some times some of those moments are necessary. Sometimes we have to really search deep for why but it's there. If i could go back and not have had him 6 weeks early under the circumstances i did would I? Of course... Am i still hurt at some of the circumstances that led to that experience...absolutely...but do i believe that despite all that, this season is green and God is gracious enough to know that i needed a break and a moment of peace and though it was not the conventional idea of that it was just that? 100 percent yes!!
I don't know how much sense this will make but it makes so much sense to my heart and has been something Ive been yearning to share for some time now but just havn't sat down to do so until now. So with all that being said...Im going to get back to "Laying in the green" and get some rest before that precious gift of a little boy wakes me with his beautiful cry because he's ready to be fed. :-)
I have to be honest and say that I can not take credit for this epiphany but rather take this moment to say how thankful I am for our church and pastor. Our Pastor preached on this a couple of weeks ago and it truly pierced my soul. I just sat there in awe of how I missed this truth for so long and how REAL this truth had so recently been in my life. Okay-okay...have you had enough of the suspense yet? Are you ready for it?
Psalm 23...that is the passage this verse I am speaking of comes from. The passage is referencing various things but primarily David is comparing the Lord to a Shepherd...not just a Shepherd, but THE SHEPHERD...and not just THE Shepherd but "my" or "his" Shepherd. David himself was many things...a King, a Warrior, an Adulterer ( sorry had to go there because a lot of times we forget that God can use the most broken part of us) and also, he was a shepherd. So this was a comparison he knew well. Shepherds are quite foreign job titles around my neck of the woods. I know in general what a shepherd does but it's not something I can personally relate too. Which is why I have missed so much from this passage all these years. So let me speed this up some... Shepherds cared for flocks of sheep. It was their responsibility to make sure EVERY single sheep was accounted for and protected from sun up to sun down. It was their responsibility to make sure they were fed and remained together. Undoubtedly, sheep are not known for their intelligence, making it top priority for the Shepherd to keep the sheep from wondering off due to animal ignorance. So there is this idea that back in the day, the shepherd would sometimes break a back leg of the sheep, crippling it only to carry, tend to, and nurse the sheep back to health in hopes that it learns to stay close and depend on the Shepherd and not wonder into danger.
So with that notion...I will lead into the scripture verse... Psalm 23:2..."He makes me lie down in green pastures..."
I realized in church that day that I was that sheep and I was currently in my green pasture. It is so easy for us to get so caught up in the stresses of this world and life. It is so easy for us to take on so many things for so many different reasons. There are the natural stresses that we can't avoid and then if you are like me, you tend to carry the burdens of those you love as well. I am a fixer...sometime so much it becomes consuming for me. A little over 3 months ago I had to be forced to lie down in my "green pasture". However, it wasn't very green from the outside looking in. Just like that sheep who have a broken leg. Yea, they may be laying in a green pasture but HELLO...there leg is broken so who cares what color the pasture is. Well, that was me. Months prior and especially weeks prior to May 24th I had been overwhelmingly consumed with various situations in my life. I was fighting with everything I had to hang on and stay above water. I was exhausted, worried, uncertain...i was running on a hamster wheel...going going going...nowhere. I believe with all my heart that on May 24th, the Lord intervened and MADE me lie down in green pastures. Now let me tell you, i was quite color blind at first because i definitely did not see green. I saw a lot of black...darkness, hurt, anger, fear. On May 24th i experienced the most traumatic and life changing moment i have ever experienced. I delivered my son through an emergency C-section. I will save that story for another day but in a nut shell, i delivered David Gideon Cooper 6 weeks early. I had to be put to sleep and it all happened so fast due to complications. I woke up in a recovery room and waited 12 hours to hold my son for 7mins. I then spent the next 3 weeks in a NICU room watching my son in an incubator, on a good day getting to hold him for an hour or two max.
The emotions i felt were hard and raw. I was angry, hurt, overwhelmed, scared to death, empty, broken, exhausted, and helpless. I was depressed and anxious. These are raw feelings that if i am being totally honest, i still deal with. However, I do know deep down that though what happened and what my baby went through was not by the looks a "green pasture" it truly has become one. As i sat in church the Lord revealed to my heart that as hard as it was...it was the first time in MONTHS that i had literally shut out every single circumstance out of my control that i had been battling for so long. It was the first time i did not have anything to focus on or worry about except that little boy. And even that was out of my control...all i could really do was be present in the nicu. I sat everyday for 3 weeks in a nicu room for 12-14 hours a day watching my baby sleep in his little "castle" as i called it counting down the hours to when i got to hold his little body to mine for just a little bit. That's all i cared about or was concerned with. Looking back, those days were long and emotional and hard...but there was such peace to them. Peace that i got to spend uninterrupted moments sitting with nothing on my mind but the love for that boy. I didn't even have the opportunity to feel like i had to figure out how to "fix" it because it was far out of my realm of expertise. Heck, i wasn't half prepared for motherhood, more less welcoming it this way. I know that had my birth story been different and a pleasant experience then yea i would have still been madly and fiercely in love with him and focused on him, BUT i would have still been concerned with the other "battles" and unknowns swarming around me. The Lord knew i needed to be slowed down. He knew i NEEDED to understand what a "green pasture" really means. And He gave me just that.
Sometimes, we go through things that are hard and hurt. Things that don't make sense. But what i have come to learn is that some times some of those moments are necessary. Sometimes we have to really search deep for why but it's there. If i could go back and not have had him 6 weeks early under the circumstances i did would I? Of course... Am i still hurt at some of the circumstances that led to that experience...absolutely...but do i believe that despite all that, this season is green and God is gracious enough to know that i needed a break and a moment of peace and though it was not the conventional idea of that it was just that? 100 percent yes!!
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