Take me to the Promised Land

Will I too wonder 40 years in the "wilderness" or will the gates of the Promised Land be ever so nearer? Oh, Lord, even in the wondering help me remember you still promise to provide. 

This question crashes amongst the unpredictable waves of my heart yearning for an answer, however leaning into the truth that most likely an answer I will only get along the journey itself. I will be honest...I fear the journey, or at least my flesh does. Not knowing how hard the road may be or what I will encounter along the way. I know that right now I am already worn and spent, and truthfully, I feel I've encountered but a morsel of might that lays in wait for me ahead. 

Lean in with me here...I am first a child of God. I am bought by the blood of Jesus He sacrificially gave for me on the cross some years ago. I say this because at the end of every days journey, NO MATTER what the terrain of my wilderness looks like, I remind myself that because of that cross on Calvary hill, my journey will take me HOME. My battle will end Victorious on my side. I say this because at the end of the day....all the other "titles" I hold are but mere sub categories to this one. This category dictates and eliminates all others. For example it dictates the following titles I carry in my life: wife, mother, step-mother, daughter, daughter-in-law, sister, friend, co-worker, employee and to put plain and simply, human being. Now, for some titles it eliminates....failure, worthless, weak, screw-up, stupid, irresponsible, ugly....this list could go on and on. I want you to know me...I want to be open, honest, and raw with you. I want to not just share my journey but share in what it looks like walking it with Jesus. Hear me out...just because Jesus walks it with me does not make it easy or even satisfying some days. 

You see, I am at a place in my life where I can almost anticipate what lays ahead and though I am ready to walk this road and win the battle this life has to throw at me...I am also so very much human through and through. I am worn and spent. I cry, I yell, I question, and I doubt. I worry, I fear, and I consume myself with 'what ifs' that are as far fetched as they come. I am a Christian who has seen many seasons in my spiritual walk. I started my Christian marathon strong...full speed ahead on of the fastest on the track but as the distance grew my strength faded. I have seen seasons of spiritual drought. Wondering aimlessly in a desert in desperate need of water but grasping hold of everything but. To sum it up if you are familiar with the scripture...I have broke bread at the table with Jesus and the disciples- front row seat-...and I also have found myself beneath the table of my Master collecting the scraps. One thing is for certain...no matter my place at the table...I have been there. I remind myself of that in this season of adapting to the unpredictable times, motherhood, wife life and blended family. As I am trying to find my place and succeed in the many different roles I hold, I must daily remember, it's great to sit side by side with Jesus and his closest and share in the meals and convos…but it's just a blessed in those moments of hopelessness and failure to cling to the crumbs at my Master's feet. 

I wasn't really sure what I wanted to share here, but I have desired to get back to writing for so long. I guess this is just a short introduction or acknowledgment. I don't know what's next on this writing journey, but I do know that I want to be able to share my heart and what Christ is doing in it with others, and my community and social hour is VERY small these days, so maybe I can expel my heart on here and feel as if Im contributing or helping someone else who may be walking this similar journey wondering just how long their "wilderness" will last before they reach that Promised Land.  Keep pushing...it does exist. 


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