Broken and Healing

 I am all about application. When it comes to life and events or seasons, my mind is constantly digging deeper to apply a greater purpose in what is happening. I have always been like this. I remember back in highschool i took AP English, and my favorite part was reading the stories and then having to really dig into what a lot of the hidden ideas and messages the author was trying to convey actually were. This is the entertaining side of this quality of mine...although it also poses as a double edged sword in me having the tendency to read into EVERYTHING and make more out of less when it is not necessary. 

Speaking on the more positive side of this, my mind has been doing what it is good at and processing and digging. And i share this bc i can't help but think there is someone out there who may just be feeling and experiencing something similar. 

Recently, I have been struggling with some heavy emotions. I am running on low low fuel and physically, emotionally, and mentally i am empty. It's like a revolving door with no actual exit. I am in a season of awareness, recognizing some very difficult truths. Some of those being uncertainty, brokenness, anger, defensiveness, and full responsibility. I am day in and day out processing the pains of the past and present, all while pressing on and not losing pace. This season is hard and exhausting and trying to heal from years of damage is like an elephant sitting on my chest. 

On the flip side of this, God is so good and so faithful. And i am not saying that out of habit. I mean it. I feel His presence and provision. He has provided safety and freedom. He has placed an army of support around me and has more than abundantly showed up. I am so blessed, and its because of that, i really struggle with accepting that it's okay and necessary for me to sit in the midst of two very different realities at the same time. Naturally, these very different emotions would be at war together. Think about it...i am going to play the voice in my head for a moment...

"Look at all you've gone through. You didn't deserve this. This isn't fair. How are you going to ever get back on your feet? You're failing as a mother....you deserve to be angry and bitter. They deserve  you to hate them..." then you have the other... "How can you possibly be bitter or hurt. Look at how much you have grown in your walk with Jesus over these years. Look how every pain made you press so much deeper into Jesus. Look at the community you have encountered and the love from what once was strangers. Look at how not alone you are at loving your boy because the people around you are loving him also. Look at God's grace and mercy and how you are strong enough, you are living." 

The past few days I've been battling the fact that I have both of these emotions swarming around me and my flesh says i can't. However, my spirit says i need both. Both are necessary for healing. And both are biblical. My overworking brain led me to thinking about a book in the Bible, Psalms. David one of the popular writers in Psalms is really known for his expression of what he was internally battling as well as physically walking through. And in Psalms we find chapter and chapters of David pouring out his heart and showing us that you can be in the pits of pain and despair and yet in that same moment you can also be resting lavishly in the hand of God. We see that those emotions can ride together without conflict. Acknowledging the pain and brokenness is a must in accepting and acknowledging the healing and peace that Christ wants us to also have. 

Two weeks ago, i broke my finger. It was so painful. I have never broken a bone and have too much to take care of to have a broken finger. It was black and blue and nasty and immobile. I could have chosen to ignore the pain. I could have taken some pain meds and just kept on keeping on. But i wouldn't have gotten very far and would have ended up with a worst pain than initially. So what did i have to do? I stopped. I went to the dr and got it checked. They said it was broken and needed to splint it and take some time off from doing some of my normal tasks to let it heal. Fast forward to today, I was looking at my finger and admiring how it already looks like a different finger compared to when i broke it. And it feels so much better. I couldn't see it healing but it was and still is. My finger, like my heart and soul, can be broken and yet at the same time can be healing. Ignoring the break was not going to change anything or make it better. Acknowledging it , like we acknowledge the hurt and bitterness and uncertainty, must take place in order to then also acknowledge that it is healing and being restored. 

Emotions are complex, but the Bible tells us  "We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ,"-2 cor.10:5....Our thoughts no doubt build into emotions and steer the boat so to speak. And emotions are necessary and God given but the conflict they cause is not. 

So if you are like me just know it's okay...you don't have to always be 100...sometimes we need the "broken bones" in order to sit back, slow down, and appreciate just how beautiful the healing process truly is....