A picture is worth a thousand words....

"A picture's worth a thousand words"... I was thinking about this the other day. I had taken a selfie (insert cringe emoji) and I was looking at it and couldn't help but think about just how much a picture actually hides. There is another saying..."Talk is cheap"...and yea I do agree in the premise that talking means nothing when you don't have the actions to back it up, but talk is far from cheap. Sometimes I think we forget the power of talking and the power of our words...that power both good and bad. 

Circling back to the picture I have added to this post. Looking at that pic one could assume a lot of different things. However, what happened right before this pic you probably wouldn't be able to guess. That pic was taken in the parking lot of the dr office as I was leaving from an appointment. That appointment required some unexpected blood work and lots of it, and if you know me you know that bloodwork causes me a high level of anxiety and usually leads to me passing out and my blood sugar plummeting and getting sick. I managed to get the bloodwork done and then began to spiral into fighting the passing out. In the midst of that, anxiety set in. I lay there and all I could muster out of my mouth with monster tears streaming down my face was "I don't like this...I am so alone". That moment kind of felt like a different place in time but I also knew it was me expressing only a few of the loud yet silent pains of my heart. 

The moment those words came out of my mouth the nurse along with 2 others circled around me and started pouring affirmations and love on me telling me I was not alone at all. That they were right there and would stay right there as long as I needed them. 

It was a mere few moments later that I got myself together and snapped out of that dark place and began to bring myself back to reality. This picture was taken after that whole ordeal while I sat in my car getting ready to leave and go back to day-to-day life. The thing about that moment when, I broke down and said that, is afterwards there was such a sense of relief. In full transparency, this has been an extremely tough time of year for me. This time last year I was clinging to survival mode of getting through Christmas without having the boys forever remembering it as the holiday their family broke. January 2nd is the day I had to make a choice that I knew would change the days ahead for my son and his brother. By far the hardest choice I have ever had to make. 

I am so blessed, and the Lord has abundantly provided for me and my boy. And the truth is that at the end of the day I know I am not alone. There are so many people that love and support me that have chosen to walk this past year with me and my boy.  And outside of that I know that as a believer, I have Christ and I can never be truly alone. I also have so much to be thankful for in this time of year. The freedom and security I have. The control over environments and gift of being my son's mother and raising him. I think that's what makes it all even more difficult to rationalize how I can be so thankful and truly blessed, and yet my heart has so many deep wounds that still need healing. 

I say all this because the reality is we can post pictures and they can be great memory markers...but a lot of time they are an exterior cover to an interior warzone taking place in one's heart and soul. I believe words are so powerful. I believe that it was through the power of Words from my Creator that this world was brought to life. And I believe that in that moment of complete weakness and lack of control I blurted out the words that I had been keeping so tightly locked down inside. And that in that moment it was okay for me to be completely broken and defeated amongst a few strangers and watch them embrace, listen to me, and remind me of the truth.

This time of year a there are a lot of people inwardly battling things. They don't want to take the joy or attention off Christmas and what it means and all the good memories that it can bring. At the end of the day I never want my emotions to disrupt joy and celebration for my child. In saying that i was reminded of the importance of being able to find a place to speak your words. No matter how hard or raw they may be...because sometimes we just need the reminder of others who love us and care to bring light to those darker places. 

The truth for me is there is place in my heart that feels so much loneliness. A place that despite wanting to I am taken back to this time last year and the many emotions I had to pack away. In saying those words out loud yesterday, I have been able to hear the truth over the emotion. The truth that there was a time I felt overwhelmingly alone. That there was a time that even some of the very closest people in my life had no clue the weight I was carrying and the things I was going through. I was alone with my secrets and pains. That is truth. What is also truth is that, though alone in some of the things I was going through, I was never not one time physically alone. Nor am I today. First because of the Lord. And I do not say that superficially. He was so present. And it was only because of Him and His presence that I am here today and who I am today. I am also surrounded by community. Family, friends, work, church, gym, and even my son's school. All people who I feel created an army of love and support for us. 

So my encouragement is to use your words. Find the people and places you can break and be raw. But also, use your words. Tell the people in your life just what they mean to you and just how proud of  them or how they inspire you and encourage you. Because, more than likely a lot of those pictures are just pretty band aids for wounds that touch much deeper places. And it sometimes takes other people speaking truth to us for us to truly live in it.