Everyone needs some glasses…

 You ever just sit and think about who you are the qualities and traits that make you YOU, and pick it apart. One thing I have found myself saying is “just tell me what to do and I’ll do it”…being the internalizer I am, I’ve been tossing that around and trying to dig into whether this is a good thing or bad thing and how to change it. 


What I’ve realized is I’m a single mother. And I have no choice but to lead in my home life and family life bc it’s just me. I have to make the decisions, all of them. I have to know what to do and how to do it . I have to pay the bills and plan for the unexpected. There is no option. The weight of it is overwhelming at times and exhausting. It makes it hard to assert myself in other areas. It makes it hard to even want to lead bc my energy tank is in the negatives. 


Is this a bad thing in and of itself? No…not everyone was made to lead. Not everyone was given the same creative drive. However, everyone was made to do the best they can and give the most they can in this life. 


For me I’m realizing that my passion and my leading is with my boy. It’s in my day to day life navigating what his future will look like. My passion is also my faith. And I think it’s because it falls into the “just tell me what to do category” bc of His Living Word. I have everything I need to know how to navigate my faith and grow deeper daily. So it’s not hard for me to lead in my faith. 


Now for the other areas…that’s where it gets tricky. My depletion turns into negativity and complacency. It becomes paralyzing. What I’m learning is it’s okay to not lead in every area of your life. But what is vital is recognizing it and instead of just sitting in it, pick your people. Carefully pursue the people in the various areas of your life that can lead you with grace and intentionality. People who you can trust your “just tell me what to do” personality with, bc they will do just that and it will be something that is going to grow and move you into your God given purpose. Your circle matters. I am loyal, sometimes to a fault, and I desire to be poured into but I don’t always place myself in the places where the right people are pouring the right things. This season is showing me just how blessed I am to have my circle which I truly believe was hand picked by the Lord. 


I’ve also learned i don’t have to say the right thing. I just need to say the true thing. When your circle is ordained you can share the emptiness and painful seasons without shame or disappointment. You can show up knowing it might be tough but you will be stewarded and led well. That there will be grace to your brokenness but also tough truth and love. 


Today I went to the gym, with the intention of doing something but really much of nothing. I was sore but my heart was in more pain than my body. I was asked to hop in a workout and I said yes. I said yes bc I was asked by someone in my circle. Someone I trust enough to speak truth and lead me in the gym. Someone I also trust enough to say, yea today is heavy and this season is hard. Someone I know has no prerogative other than to see me succeed as a mother, sister in Christ, friend and in life all around. The workout hurt…i pushed harder than I thought possible and when I finished I honestly thought I was going to break…I take that back I was breaking. Outside on a rusted metal board trying to catch my breath and relishing in the fact that I did it. A few mins later I was told 7 mins of rest instead of 5…in which I said huh?! I picked myself up and walked back in and said what’s next between my gasps for breath…and I was told “ that whole workout again theres 2 rounds”…


Cue the tambourine sound bc I thought I was being punked. Guess what I did…that whole workout for a round 2…you know why? Bc of my circle. Bc people I trust and respect can see more than I see and say you can do it, let’s go. Bc there is no way in the world I would have even thought in my mind “hey let’s do that again” or even hey “I COULD do that again”.


I say all of this to say, that’s it’s okay to be the person God made you -personality and all -but it’s important to recognize and to allow those things that can become road blocks or even stop signs ,to instead be steps on a ladder that helps you to keep climbing and keep moving towards His purpose for you. It’s okay that I don’t naturally see my potential. What’s not okay is to think that just bc I don’t see it means it doesn’t exist and sit in those lies. What IS okay is to to realize that there are people God has to be apart of my life to help show me and grow me into that potential, helping me to see what I can’t for myself. Consider it contacts or glasses for your life…just got to find the right ones and everything is a lot clearer.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

When 34 and 90 collide…

Image
  It’s 12:39am…for most people it’s hours of already nestled in sleep. For me it’s hours of thought. Memories running chaotically through the channels of my mind.   My grandma is 90…but is she? When I hear people talk about the elderly there is such a seperation. A lack of connection bc of the generations of distance that lies between the two of us. But for the first time, I’m connected. I realize that though my grandma is 90, to me she is 56, 60, 63,68,70,75…she isn’t a 90 year old elderly woman who is limited to a bed.  She is the memories of all those years. She is relatable. She is the walks to the park we took when I was young.  She is the nap times on a pallet in the living room floor below the couch while she napped to a soap opera. She is the drives in the blue car with two doors, going 25 miles per hour-slow enough to read all the mail boxes. She is the spaghetti dinner and slumber parties with initial shaped pancakes. She is beach trips and belly laughs tha...
Read more

Just keep the Journey Going...

Image
 I thought about starting over....a whole new landing page for my blogs and writings. However, the more i thought about it, the more it just didn't feel right. Just because my season has changed and things are very different, it doesn't eliminate the seasons of the past. It doesn't diminish the power of the lessons i have learned over the last 6 years and the growth that has taken place. I have said it before and if you know me on a deep level you know this, literally since i was old enough to write, i have. I have kept journals virtually my whole life from the age of probably 8 and still going strong. I have boxes of these journals and  have kept them all. I also have used blogs to capture my thoughts and emotions as i have walked, ran, stumbled, and what has felt like literally crawled on my hands and knees through this glorious thing we call life. And well, here i am again. Standing in the midst of a new season in which I feel very unprepared for. I say all this because ...
Read more

Here she goes rambling again...

Image
  Today, per usual, my brain was just a rolling with thought after thought. Its often frustrating and difficult to slow down, however sometimes those thoughts i can't help but believe are whispers from the Holy Spirit. Moments I hope to remain open and slowed down enough to take in and digest.  This morning i was in some feelings and thought, when the verse Romans 8:28 came to mind. "And we know that for those who love God all things work together  for good,  for  those who are called according to his purpose." This is a pretty popular scripture in the Word, however it is also a very commonly misinterpreted one as well. Let me preface, i am no Bible scholar. My education and knowledge has come from a long life of "hard-knocks" and through the pains and consequences of such, realizing leaning into Jesus is my only hope and peace.  This morning i thought about my life. I thought about some harder seasons i have seen. I thought of things lost and things change...
Read more